I haven’t really blogged for a while now, and I’m kind of sorry for that. But only kind of.
You see, work picked up again. A lot of stuff happens in December. Everyone wants my attention. And I have to spend some quality time with my husband in the middle of all this.
My mood has also been all over the place. But then again, it’s my first yuletide without antidepressants. If I’m not crying over something beautiful every day during these December days, I’m surprised.
But there are news. I have gotten myself a job. And I start in January. It’s very few hours, but it seems like they always need people, so I hope there will be extra hours, and also more regular shifts I can get later on. Fingers crossed!
Because of this new job, though, I’ve been haunted by anxiety over my choice. What if I don’t get enough hours? What if this is a horrible idea? I have decided to try not to listen to these voices, and instead cling to the voice that says “you’ll have to start somewhere. ”
Because I do have to start somewhere.
I am writing like the wind.
I am halfway there, having written more than 25.000 words. I have no words. I have no idea how I did it either. Just, wow.
I am deadly afraid of my plateau. I am still sure it will come.
This is the graph from last year. You see that period of ten days in the middle where I didn’t write a thing? Yup. The dreaded plateau. And, although I’m joking about writing fast because I want to be first, that’s not the reason. Or, that’s not the whole reason.
The main reason I write as much as I can now is that I know myself. The plateau will come. I just hope it will come after I reach 50.000.
Also, I write this much now because I am first on my friends list, and I’m usually not. I’m never first. Not for this long. And I use this wonderful feeling of being first to cover over my total, devastating anxiety of the plateau. It’s the worst anxiety I’ve had since my anxiety levels normalized after going off the anti-depressants.
I also felt a bad depression sneaking in on me before NaNoWriMo this year, and I am keeping it away by writing. I have a purpose this November. I am going to win. And the plateau and my depression will just have to wait.